Would you like to take an intelligence test? Would you like to take a real intelligence test? Okay, but I should warn you that most of you will not pass this test. There will be no judging your intelligence based on the bell curve, there will be no allowance for your moderate intelligence or community college education. This is an intelligence test for grown ups. Are you ready? Okay, let’s get started….

QUESTION 1: DOGS OR CATS? IF YOU ANSWERED DOGS, GO TO QUESTION TWO. IF YOU ANSWERED CATS, I’M SORRY, YOU HAVE ALREADY FAILED.

QUESTION 2: IS AMERICA A DEMOCRACY OR A REPUBLIC? IF YOU ANSWERED DEMOCRACY, YOU HAVE ALREADY FAILED. IF YOU ANSWERED REPUBLIC, GO TO QUESTION THREE.

QUESTION 3: DO YOU DRIVE A LARGE R.V., BUS, PRIUS OR COOPER MINI? IF YOU ANSWERED YES, YOU HAVE ALREADY FAILED. IF NOT, GO TO QUESTION FOUR.

QUESTION 4: DO YOU BELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH OR MORE OFTEN, LIES? IF YOU ANSWERED TRUTH, YOU HAVE FAILED. IF YOU ANSWERED LIES, GO TO QUESTION FIVE.

QUESTION 5: ARE YOU A U.S. MARINE, PRISON GUARD OR 911 OPERATOR? IF YOU ANSWERED YES, YOU HAVE FAILED. IF NO, GO TO QUESTION SIX.

QUESTION 6: DO YOU KNOW WHO NOAM CHOMSKI, CHRIS HEDGES OR EUGENE DEBS ARE? IF YOU ANSWERED NO, YOU HAVE FAILED. IF YOU ANSWERED YES, GO TO QUESTION SEVEN.

QUESTION 7: DO YOU USE THE WORD “FUCK” ALOT OR NEVER? IF YOU ANSWERED ALOT, GO TO QUESTION EIGHT. IF NOT, YOU HAVE FAILED.

QUESTION 8: DO YOU HAVE A DEGREE IN CRIMINAL JUSTICE OR INTERIOR DECORATING? IF YES, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE FAILED. IF NOT, GO TO QUESTION NINE.

QUESTION 9: DO YOU DRIVE AROUND TOWN IN YOUR PICK-UP WITH AN OVERSIZED AMERICAN FLAG FLYING OUT OF YOUR TRUCK BED OR A TRUCK WITH “TRUMP 2024” BUMPER STICKERS? IF YES, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND YOU HAVE FAILED THIS TEST. DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YOU. IF NO, GO ON TO QUESTION TEN, YOU’RE DOING GREAT!

QUESTION 10: DO YOU EVER USE THE WORD “NAMASTE” IF YES, GET A LIFE, YOU FAIL. IF NO, QUESTION ELEVEN.

QUESTION 11: DO GUNS KILL PEOPLE, OR DO PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE? IF YOU ANSWERED GUNS, YOU HAVE FAILED AND WE ARE ALL LAUGHING AT YOU. IF YOU ANSWERED PEOPLE, GO ON TO QUESTION TWELVE.

QUESTION 12: ARE YOU A BOY WHO IS A GIRL WHO IS A BOY WHO LOOKS LIKE CHER? SORRY, BUT YOU FAIL, IF THE ANSWER IS HELL NO! GO TO QUESTION THIRTEEN.

QUESTION 13: DEPECHE MODE OR MOTORHEAD? IF DEPECHE MODE, YOU SUCK AND YOU HAVE FAILED. IF MOTORHEAD, BANG YOUR HEAD AND MOVE ON TO QUESTION FOURTEEN.

QUESTION 14: WAYLON JENNINGS OR MERLE HAGGARD? IF JENNINGS, KEEP GOING. IF HAGGARD, YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LOGER REQUIRED. PISS OFF.

QUESTION 15: IS IT BETTER TO BURN OUT OR FADE AWAY? IF YOU ANSWERED BURN OUT, YOU ARE A FUCKING GENIUS. IF FADE AWAY, YOU SHOULD CONSULT A DOCTOR, YOU MAY BE BRAIN DEAD. AND YES, YOU FAILED.

QUESTION 16: DO YOU LIVE WITHIN 20 MILES OF AN OIL REFINERY OR OTHER MASS-POLLUTING INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX? YOU FAIL, AND SHOULD MOVE IMMEDIATELY. IF NOT, GO ON TO QUESTION SEVENTEEN.

QUESTION 17: DO YOU IMPATIENTLY JUMP BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN LANES WHEN STUCK IN BUMPER TO BUMPER TRAFFIC, AS IF YOU WILL SOMEHOW GET “THERE” FASTER BY ACTING LIKE AN IMPATIENT ASSHOLE? IF YES, I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO KICK YOUR ASS SOMETIME, YOU ARE TRULY AN IDIOT AND YOU FAIL. IF NOT, GO TO EIGHTEEN.

QUESTION 18: DO YOU WEAR A U.S. MARINE/ U.S. ARMY/ NAVY/ AIRFORCE HAT OR SHIRT EVERY DAY BECAUSE YOU ARE SO AFRAID THE WORLD WILL FORGET YOU “SERVED” (MORE LIKE GOT SERVED) IN THE ARMED FORCES? IS YOUR CAR COVERED WITH MILITARY BUMPER STICKERS? IF YES, I’M SORRY BUT YOU ARE MAKING A TOTAL FOOL OF YOURSELF. NO-ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT YOUR SERVICE (EXCEPT OTHER DOUCHE-BAGS WHO, LIKE YOU MUST CONSTANTLY BLOW THEIR OWN HORN IN PUBLIC). YOU ARE NOT INTELLIGENT. YOUR LIFE IS KIND OF SAD. DON’T GET ME WRONG, YOU ARE A HERO FOR SERVING AND I AM GRATEFUL. YOU SHOULD JUST PUT THAT SHIT AWAY WHEN YOU COME HOME AND RE-DEFINE YOURSELF, NOT LIVE IN THE PAST. IF YOU ANSWERED NO, GO ON TO QUESTION NINETEEN.