“I REMEMBER LONG AGO, WHEN THE SUN WAS SHINING AND THE STARS WERE BRIGHT, ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT AND THE SOUND OF YOUR LAUGHTER AS I HELD YOU TIGHT…SO LONG AGO… ” -PHIL COLLINS
I spent the first year or more in the jail, crying. I had this beautiful little family that I loved so much that it hurt me inside every day. Watching over her, just after you gave birth, I swore to God that I would protect her and love her. Now, I felt that I had let her down. I waited for over a year for you to come visit me. I know the pigs told you I was on disciplinary. They were actually using disciplinary to retaliate against me the entire 3 and a half years. They beat me up a little in booking, when I first came in. Deputy Stewart and Chase Reed set it up. They told the other officers working in booking that they were going to provoke me so they could give me special treatment. Deputy Stewart came up behind me while they were finger-printing me. He got in close behind me and interrupted something I was saying and said something like ” yeah, but what about your mother…”. He thought this would provoke me more than it did. All it did was make me tense up, very slightly in the shoulders. Because it was all pre-planned, they didn’t need real resistance or anything. As soon as I barely tensed and turned my head towards Stewart, all three officers immediately started shoving my head down, twisting my arms and rushing me into a booking cell where they could tune me up in private, off-camera. I did not realize until much later that this little “tune-up” was only the excuse for the real punishment ahead. This quasi-violent incident was a set-up so they could label me as violent. What they wanted, was to house me in administrative segregation, but they can’t do that long term, without cause. So they promoted this false narrative, the entire time I was in the jail, that I was dangerous. It gave them the power to put me in the hole, abuse me, keep me on discipline, deny me visits and further retaliate against me for my alleged crime of threatening to kill law enforcement.
I deserved to be visited, to see my daughter. Any bullshit the pigs said or did to try to isolate and marginalize me and deny visits should have been met and resisted by my babies momma. You should have insisted they allow visits. You should have written me one letter, besides the one, sanctimonious “go screw yourself” letter that you did. You should have sent pictures of Forest. Do you have any idea how painful it is to not see her? Hold and kiss her? Hear her funny laugh? Can you imagine how much it hurt me to not even have pictures of her? Say what you want of me, but if you say you love her anymore than I do, you would be the worst kind of liar. You have no right Cheri, to keep her from me. You are hurting her. You are hurting me. You did not have to lie in family court. The things you said about me would really hurt me if I didn’t know how utterly false it all was and how desperate you must have felt to say such things about another innocent human being. As if I wasn’t in enough trouble already. Hey, everyone else is lying on him, why not me? You probably didn’t have much time to try to see me or help me fight to get out or anything. You were spending all your time with your new boyfriend and my daughter. You didn’t even protect my home while I was in jail. The people that were up there stole everything, down to socks and spoons. All of our hard work cannibalized by scum who didn’t even recognize all of our efforts and labor that went into Bear Gulch. There I was, mentally unstable and aggreived because I had AR-15 rifles pointed at my head and I felt like our daughter was not getting what she deserved because of all the trouble the pigs and Stephanie Bridgett and the lawyers were causing. I felt a lot of guilt that I believe was severe post-partum depression. I hated what people like Mitch Crofoot was doing. Judging us. Deciding if we were worthy to have this family. It didn’t matter if we deserved it their eyes, it was real. It existed. We had a family and it could have been a wonderful family. No matter what you think, you could have stayed. we belonged together with her. You should have stayed. So it was fucking hard? Yeah baby, The real things in life are hard sometimes even much harder that we imagine in the beginning. You just ran away Cheri. You were always running away.
Just because you think what you are doing is right, does not make it so and you can think what you are doing is right and it can actually be malignant. Everyone might seem to agree with you. You might convince the incompetent courts, but if you are wrong about keeping me from seeing my daughter (and you are wrong), then all you have done is hurt her and me and deprived her of what nature and God intended: a loving father. Do you think it’s really Judge Jody Burgess’s job to decide if I should be entitled by the court to be a father? If you do not see how ludicrous the very idea is, then I”m sorry for you. You know I was a good father. You told people I was a good father. I promise you, the day will come when you will realize that you have caused her real pain keeping her from my love. What will you say to excuse yourself when that day comes? Whatever it is, don’t say it near me. There is no excuse. If you knew how much I love her and want to be in her life, you would be very ashamed of everything you’ve done. I am going to keep fighting and I will see her soon. It is not for you to judge me, my parenting skills, my relationship with my daughter or anything else. You and your air-head boyfriend have caused more damage than even you thought you were going to cause when you started planning it all. It would astonish the hell out of me, if you were to find your scruples and start doing the right thing. I think you have a hard time doing that sometimes. I can tell you that I will be in her life and every time you do anything but step aside and let me be a father, you only embitter everyone’s experience and polarize us further. I don’t like your boyfriend. I never will. But I did give him a chance. I asked him to be real and he just couldn’t do it. So be it. However, what I think of your boyfriend doesn’t matter, except that he had a chance to fix things and didn’t see a need because he has his head all the way up in your ass. I’m not even going to disguise my feelings about any of this. I don’t have to like or respect anyone who allows a child in his care to be deprived of a parent. I explained that to him and of course, he knew better and didn’t have to listen to shit I have to say. Good for him. Too bad that’s the last time he gets a chance to make things right with me. Both of you need realize that you are not smart enough, not wise enough, not trained enough, or educated enough to judge anyone! Not qualified to interfere in any way with Forests’ right to have her father! You have shown arrogance in everything you have done. From not bringing her to see me in the jail, to lying in family court, to encouraging your idiot boyfriend to involve himself in our dispute, to not sending me more than two pictures of her at a time, once, because you were ordered to by the court; you have only proven that you cannot do what is right. Why would you subject either an ex or a current boyfriend in your bullshit drama? Do you get off on him thinking I’m a douchebag or me thinking he’s a douche? It’s so very cliche and tiresome. I hate him, he hates me,,,blah, blah. What both of you reprobates are missing is that you are, in fact, fucking up her life for good. She needs her god-damn father. As far as I am concerned, you might as well with-hold food and water. And quite frankly, and in respect to everything in general, fuck you for that Cheri. As I see it, you have two choices: either you let me see her and be her father, for better or worse, Either you show some grace and class and stop interfering with my parenting, or you simply make me force you through the courts. In the end, it is very hard to remove the bitter core of the people we have demonized and attacked. Relationships are changed forever. To be honest Cheri, I do not think you deserve forgiveness in these matters. You went way too far. But, It should be noted that I do not hate you or have any reason to fight with you, other than letting me see my own daughter. I know the truth. I learned a lot. You cannot forget what you learn. You have acted like a monster, but I will not judge you. I can even pretend to like you for the sake of our daughter. Don’t ever ask me to forget that knife you stuck in me, those days spent in tears, the bad dreams. I will not do that for you. Get your head out of your ass Cheri. Do what’s right for your daughter. It is not about you.
Every time I am forced to interact with you, I am more disgusted. You are a horrific human being Cheri Dubuque. You have not changed at all. You are still the same exact person that I threw away my life to get away from. You are incredibly destructive. You are an angry and self-centered monster. You have destroyed your own daughters life simply to spite me. You are now forced to bring her to supervised visits and you are so detached from basic human decency, that you complain bitterly about having to drive her a short distance so that she can have any contact with her own father. You bitch and you whine about the cost of gasoline. You ask for child support as if you deserve any support at all, while you do everything you can to keep your own daughter from having a loving father in her life. You are a bitter, hateful and derelict person. You have no grace, no class, no introspection. Forest wants her father in her life. She is too young to even recognize how much you are hurting her and you could care less. You are far too stupid to even question the great ball of hate that dwells in your soul. You think I am dangerous because I hate the fucking cops and the courts? No, you know that I would never let her suffer because of my hatred for them. My hatred of them is completely justified and your games in court only reinforce my righteous anger. I hate them because they are stupid and corrupt and precisely because they can be so easily manipulated by people like you. Forest will soon be old enough to see right through your lies and she will hate you for what you’ve done. She will hate you for being a liar and for fucking up her life and she will hate Mark for not being man enough to stop it. You are not smart enough to know that I want you to play out your pathetic little string, to manipulate the court as long as you can, because I don’t want to ever forget how evil you are. I don’t want anyone to ever even think of giving you the benefit of the doubt, to ever forgive you, because I know you. You are evil and you will die evil, but Forest will not be like you, not ever. I ‘ve only begun to write about you. I wanted to give you every opportunity to do the right thing. I sincerely hoped you would, so I could just let it all go. But there is no grace in you, no decency. As long as people do not see how manipulative you are and how venomously stupid, then you will seek every advantage. You will offer no quarter, no peace, no compromise, because there is simply no good in you. The day I threatened to murder Shasta’s brats was the best day of my life because the people of Shasta are disgusting people, just like you. They don’t even care enough about their own children to make peace with a man who has already threatened to attack them. They think they can just cower behind the cops and courts and everything will be just fine. I sure hope they’re right. The best revenge is letting them all live. They’re lives are worthless and pointless and filled with pain already. All I have to do is enjoy the show. Am I evil? Well, if by evil you mean I am the opposite of people like you and the people of Shasta, then by all means I am. If by evil you mean that I want everyone in this world to get exactly what they deserve, then I am the devil himself. All I really am is a truth-teller and no-one is more hated than he who speaks the truth. A very wise man said that. Another wise man once said: be kind to one another, because Karma is a real motherfucker.